The kids caught me at 6 and all I got was a pair of socks and I had to do all the dishes and then of course David Warner got a 100. Bloody Merry Christmas.

I’m afraid I don’t have much time to write the first day’s report. The in-laws are coming in half an hour and I have to make the coronation turkey. However, I have prepared fixed instructions for the following procedures.

The first is England’s choice. How predictable and frustrating. Apparently Tom Curran was drafted because he was struggling a bit. This is very likely to be true. He looks like he could start a fight on his own. Although you can call me a traditionalist, I’ve always believed that being able to keep your front foot behind the baseline is more important than ejaculation.

Second, why wasn’t Mason Crane chosen? Overseas, Moeen Ali is about as effective as a condom with a hole. And he’s not healthy yet. If Crane is not ready for Test cricket, he should not be included in the squad.

Third, it’s bloody bad luck. Sometimes I think the authorities are deliberately trying to kill the test crickets. Otherwise why would you put 90,000 on the ground and serve pudding like this? It’s not good enough. Jimmy Anderson gave a very candid interview with the pitch at the end of the game and I agree with him 100%.

Fourth, I don’t think England’s bowling is too bad…for England. We don’t have firepower, so staying tight with old balls is what you’d expect from this featherbed. Some felt that Bancroft’s troublesome innings and Khawaja’s recent defeat showed that the playing field was difficult for both batting and bowling. This is clearly Codswallop. Bancroft and Khawaja struggled because they weren’t very good. Finish.

Finally…just to give everyone a glimmer of hope…England actually have a chance to draw on this surface. Locals say it doesn’t spread out as the game progresses, nor does it spin much. While this may be the most boring game in history, it at least gives our troubled batsman a chance to beat the clock and avoid whitewashing.

With Stark injured and the pitch lacking speed and movement, Alastair Cook could actually get some runs this time around. This is hope. If he can’t run, he never will.

By x59ok

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