That’s it. After weeks of construction, The Ashes is finally here. Hours later, Joe Root won the craps after taking advice from Nasser Hussein and put Australia on the featherbed. do not laugh. It can actually happen.

In the spirit of the Ashes celebration, we’ve created the definitive guide to predicting Teamfight Tactics’ Ashes. I’ve talked to all of our contributors and asked what their expectations are and here are the results.

You see, it’s the usual mix of stuffy optimism, self-deception, self-denial, irrationality and theory that makes as much sense as Ben Stokes does after 20 pints of beer. So, what are you expecting, serious news?

So without further ado, let’s start looking and move on to our personal predictions. Sincerely, Peter Jackson Eastwood, Gary White, Hector Cappelletti, Jack Mendel and Daniel Splendid believe this is what will happen this winter…  

james morgan

I’m sorry for being so lazy, but I’m worried that a shellac attack is imminent. Australia may not have many cops but in domestic conditions they are still better than us in every position (except wicket holding): they have better batsmen, better specialist spinners and faster, more efficient Aggressive bowler.

If the conditions are favorable, I’m afraid it will be difficult for us to find plan B. Australia, on the other hand, could return to short bowling, which unnerves us. They also have the underrated Nathan Lyon, who should keep an eye on things at one end and take useful wickets.

Even with a good winning streak, Root probably won’t outscore Steve Smith, who has a solid home record. Furthermore, our bankers (Root, Cook and Anderson) have more question marks than theirs (Warner, Smith and Hazlewood) on the pitch in Australia. God knows what happens to us inexperienced players.

It’s not inconceivable that England would prove everyone wrong – Australia aren’t a great team after all – but I’m afraid things could get very bad very quickly. Day and night games in Adelaide will be key, especially if we lose at Gabbatior. If we beat Perth 1-1, we might have a chance. However, another 5-0 drubbing could be on the horizon if we lose the first two Tests.

Series status: Australia 0-4

Leading scorer: Gerbils (Steve Smith)

Leading Wicket-Taker: Bear (Josh Hazlewood)

Most likely to be sent home: Alastair Cook…he’d shoot a koala.

Most likely to retire mid-series: Mason Crane … after losing his first three Tests, he’ll decide like Alex Loudon that cricket isn’t for him after all.

Chances are he’ll be “aloof” – Jack Bauer…the hulking giant looks like he’s having a hard time getting down to anything other than a late-night drink with Bairstow.

peter jackson eastwood

As Christmas approaches, I want to confess. I don’t like Christmas movies and my least favorite is The Polar Express – very boring. But when it comes to boring locomotives, nothing beats the relentless boredom of Hype Trains before Ashes of Australia, and I mean neither.

Since David WAR(ner) opened his mouth to let out hot air, my fears and worries subsided. I’m as light as a feather now, why?

Australia is not so good. We’ve heard about their bowling attacks, but are they that special? Hazlewood is a line and length bowler not as good as our own corkscrew and Starc is an excellent one day bowler with a good Yorker but very expensive five day operator. In fact, it’s indicative of their overall offense: Speed, if imprecise, can run a lot and be quick.

Their batting is as insignificant as ours (while we mourn the loss of Stokes, they can’t even find a new dobbler to replace 6-point garbage Shane Watson). The inclusion of Cooke, Root, Bairstow, Mohn, Broad, Vokes and Anderson in the XI of the England/Australia combination is a very strong case.

There were no draws or close games, as both batting teams continued to crumble, while England were nodding their way.

Series result: England 3-2

Scoring: Steve Smith robs like Jack Sparrow on Australian tarmac. If selected, it would be Sam Northeast.

Leading wicketkeeper: Stewart Broad loves to point the finger at the Australian and has had a devastating run in front of him.

Likely to be sent home: If an older woman questioned his full length, fiery Craig Overton would set her on fire. In return, the Granny extinguished Overton’s spark.

Likely to drop out: David Warner watches Dunkirk find halfway momentum and has a nervous breakdown. Instead, he became an elementary school counselor.

The person most likely to “spook”: James Vince… at Christmas time, his attention span has become that of a toddler eating candy.


While I’d make our Aussie friends a firm favorite, I really think it all comes down to the first test. Australians, for all their constant trash talk about low rents, are light years away from the swagger of the past.

It’s easy to look at England’s line-up and adopt the look of Edvard Munch’s whoops, but behind the swagger, Australian fans have the same concerns about their team. If we can keep them going in Brisbane, the reaction from the media and fans will be deafening and their already fragile confidence will be shattered with chunks the size of a sledgehammer.

However, if England are likely to concede meekly in the opening game, expect the whole of the Penalties to have their common boots down our throats for the rest of the series. One nasty plug-in after another will cause you to cancel your exorbitant BT Sport subscription before the third trial is complete.

The reason I’m scared is I’m weird

By x59ok

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